Main Discussion Area > Around the Campfire
eww. relationship thread..
recurve shooter:
--- Quote from: Grunt on March 17, 2010, 09:08:03 am ---After 63 winters I have found that women drive men crazy and men drive women crazy. Good knowing everybody's crazy, you can excuse a lot of behavior.
--- End quote ---
sounds like my dad's philosophy. ;D ::)
Mechslasher:
three things i don't give advice on or debate; religion, polotics, and love. if someone tries to give this type of advice to someone it's like teaching a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it irritates the pig. but, since you asked, i'll list some things that need to be thought through:
1. she will have to stop smoking to have children. there are many new "quit smoking drugs" now on the market. do some research with her and work something out. you should be at a point in your relationship where you two can sit down and discuss things openly. if not, then getting married is the last thing you should do.
2. you have to settle within yourself the question of having a child with her. i can understand not wanting any more. i have two and that's all for me. those first 6-7 years are rough. i can deal with teenagers, that's what i do for a living.
3. never, ever try to change someone. you will not be happy with the results! change always comes from the inside.
4. this is perhaps the most important, can you live with seeing her with someone else?? if the answer to this is no, then everything you are concerned about are moot points.
Diligence:
First off, I will not be critical of you for wanting her to quit smoking, or for not wanting more kids, or anything else you decide.
We all draw our own lines in the sand. Some lines are more complicated than others, some lines are more liberal and some lines are more conservative, but in the end it comes down to what you can live with......and can YOU live with the consequences of YOUR choices?
Unlike Grunt, I've only got 39 winters under my belt, but I was married at 22 - divorced by 24, and remarried in my 30's. I'm now happily married to the gal of my dreams, the mother of my 3 wonderful kids, and a woman who is fiercely independant.
It took me a long time to realize that in life, making decisions is all about deciding what is the most acceptable consequence for our actions. A simple example. Should I drive on the country roads to get home and enjoy the scenery? The country road is much slower and is dusty and bumpy and there is that one spot that often floods over. OR, should I take the freeway home. It's much faster, smoother and I get to see my kids sooner. The freeway however is more dangerous and is often stressful. ------- the choice you take is based on your willingness to accept the consequences weighed against the benefits.
So, if you don't want anymore kids - and that is your final answer -- then being honest with your girl is the honorable thing to do, but be ready to accept the consequences of her potentially leaving your relationship.
If her stopping smoking because "she said she was going to, and hasn't yet" is more important to you than the value of her being in your life, fair enough, but be ready to accept the consequences of her potentially leaving your relationship. Either way, your decisions are going to impact your future and, from a personal standpoint, I really hate to look back on my actions and wish that I had been more thoughtful and self-aware.
In either case, your relationship with yourself, and with your gal is either going to be strengthened from the debate, or it is going to bend and break. Hiding the truth from yourself, and your loved ones, sure doesn't seem to be a healthy approach to me, but I realize that it is more complicated than that as you are not only selecting a wife, but also a mother for your children, but for that reason alone (mother) I think you owe it to yourself and your family to be honest with yourself (first), then honest with your gal second (second).
As one of the other guys alluded to, it does seem to me that your focus on the smoking (or so I have inferred from your comments) is really hiding some other issue. I don't know you at all, I don't know how fate has touched your life, but the fact that you are reaching out for advice to friends (and strangers) on a website seems to indicate to me that you need to take a long hard soul-searching look at yourself.
Find your line, define it completely and then draw it in the sand, but remember that lines in the sand can be erased and easily moved....I encourage you to give yourself the opportunity to see the truth --- then take your stand for better or worse. And in the end, I think that if a person can be honest to themselves and have knowingly made an educated decision based on the consequences, then I think you could hold your head high and be proud that you made an informed and honest decision -- which does not mean you can avoid the consequence, but knowing you acted with honor is important. Which, IMHO, seems to happen less and less in this world.
My 2 cents, offered with respect,
J
Manager:
Ok so I am going to offer my two cents and you can take them with you or you can leave them.
On the smoking issue, she is going to need to do that on her own, when she is really ready to do it. don't push the subject and don't make her feel bad for not going through on it. She will end up resenting you if you do. I keep talking about wanting to lose weight, but its not going to happen until I come to a point that I want to do it and really work at it.
On the kids issue, I don't think it is fair of you to project what happened in your last marriage on her. You said you were the one taking care of your two kids and doing all of the work. You cant be afraid to have more kids because you think this may happen again, you are not giving her a fair shot, she isn't your ex-wife and you are with this lady for a reason.
that being said, conversations like this are hard, but necessary. See if there are things that she wants to see you work on, then as a couple work on issues together. But DO NOT put any strings attached to her quitting smoking...Its like saying you would be perfect if only......which will only hurt her.
Talk with her, outcome may be great or not so great...but its better than wondering what if.
Sarah
Badger:
Something I heard once that I like to keep in mind.
" When we fall in love we fall in love with the way we feel about ourself when we are with that other person"
Steve
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version