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Not too late!
Tsalagi:
AS SEEN ON TV! Genuine Gold Bullion! Only $7995.95!!! Operators standing by! Call 1-800-FLEECEME
But wait! There's more! If you act now and call (operators standing by!) in your order for Gold Bullion today, we'll throw in ab-so-lute-ly free a handy combination deep fried onion slicer, tomato corer, toenail clipper, and pocket air raid siren. Again, it's ab-so-lute-ly free! You might ask, "Why an air raid siren?" Because, that's the sound everyone knows means the end of everything as we know it---no more Sex and the City on TV, no more .99 cent grab bags of Doritos and no more Twinkies or Ding Dongs! That's why we're giving those out ab-so-lute-ly free when you invest your life savings in Gen-yew-wine Gold Bullion!
Now, we all know things are coming to an end. How will you be prepared? Have you asked yourself this question? Stockpiling toilet paper? It's not enough! Learning how to eat acorns? It's not enough! Because history shows that starving people all over the world have one thing and one thing only on their minds: Gold Bullion! Folks, we're offering this once-in-a-lietime, er, lifetime deal to not only be prepared for life after the season finale of Sex and the City and other society-crashing events that lead to social upheaval, riots in the streets, and women refusing to wear sensible shoes, but also to be prepared to be the despot of your own little kingdom! That's right! For only $7995.95 per shipment of genuine Gold Bullion, we'll also throw in ab-so-lute-ly free, the funny hat of your choice that entitles you to the grand leadership title of your choice! That's a $99.95 value all by itself!
But wait! There's STILL more! We're going to throw in ab-so-lute-ly free, a genuine copy of the first-edition VHS of Gigli! Again, ab-so-lute-ly free! Now, we know what you're thinking----"Why would I cash in my 401k and buy a bunch of chintzy nickel-alloy coins electroplated with gold and worth only a fraction of what they're selling them for?" Well, the answer is obvious! You'll feel better...much, much better. Remember when you ate all those habanero peppers and how much better you felt after they had totally passed through your digestive tract and made a painful final exit? Well, just like that, it'll hurt to spend that much money on something tangibly of less value than those habaneor peppers, but you will FEEL so much better after having spent that money! Don't believe us? Don't take our word for it! Go to the shoe department at Macy's and ask the women there how much better they feel having purchased that 567th pair of shoes! So what are you waiting for! OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY!
Tsalagi:
Hi folks! I'm Harry Throckmorton. You might know me from TV where I was an extra on the hit TV shows The Mod Squad and Police Woman. I made good money in TV. But I know where to invest it---in gold. That's why I want to share my secret with you. See, no one is going to tell you the truth. It's all coming to an end. Pre-washed and packaged salads, Miracle Whip, Cap'n Crunch breakfast cereal, Croc shoes, even good ol' breaded fish sticks. They'll be things of the past when the economy collapses. That's why I bought gold. No, you can't wipe your butt with it like you'll be able to with the worthless paper money. But there are more important things in life than stain-free underwear. Like having a pile of gold coins you can roll in like Scrooge McDuck. That feels better than playing strip Twister in the dark with everyone at the bar after everyone has had eight or nine margaritas. Well, almost better. But, folks, don't delay. I heard the economy is collapsing soon. See, that's why we're selling the gold bullion instead of keeping it for ourselves if it's that critical for survival---because we're just such swell guys. And we care about you.
DON'T DELAY!! CALL TODAY!! Operators are standing by!
NTD:
;D ;D ;D See Kevan, That's what I'm talking about. Thanks for the laugh ;)
zenmonkeyman:
You'll remember in the spring I tried to help you.
Postman:
That movie was supposed to be about ME, but they screwed it up in the rewrite. They need to re-do it and get Zach Galafanakis to play me, not Costner.
In the trailer, there's gonna be a scene where he kills off 10 guys for a chest of boullion only to discover it's only dehydrated soup.
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