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Turkey Camp....now with IOW(ABO)W'S HUMILIATING COPPER TURKEY CALL
PrimitiveTim:
So I drive through the night from Illinois so that I wouldn't be late to this hunt and when I show up these dudes look at me like they never seen a Floridian before and they start slinging everything in sight at me. I got hit with arrows, bolos, and even snowballs! The snowballs hurt the worst though. I'm thinking this is some kind of yankee western welcoming and starting to second guess the idea of continuing west. After the harassment ended they kept me well fed although they wouldn't let me sleep anywhere near them and made me sleep in my van which was fine by me cause every person in that camp snored like a herd of bison, shoot, I could hear them in my van 200 yds down the hill. When I got there it was sunny and 65, the next day it was nothing but overcast and cold. That ain't my scene so I decided to go into hibernation. The next morning at 4 AM it sounded like a troop of baboons was banging on my van. So they dragged me out to sit in the cold and crawl around sneaking up on nothing. Iowabow kept hearing something "gobble" but never did a turkey show itself. I knew it was too cold way up here for there to actually be any turkeys. It didn't sound like no turkey I ever heard. So after barely escaping frostbite we return and I go back into hibernation. I wake up on the last day when the sun comes up and they're all looking at me like I'm a turkey. Long story short, I get clubbed and carried off and I wake up in a warm pot of water that's just getting hotter. I ain't about getting eaten by no cannibals so I tear out of there like a hyena with its tail on fire and they all just laugh at me. I try talking to them and they all laughed like it was just a joke. brb not funny. Iowabow wants to do one more hunt so I tag along in hope of getting some footage of a decent hunt. After getting us thoroughly lost he says he thinks turkeys will come by here based on no reasoning at all. As the sun gets lower it just gets colder and I'm about doze off but the nippy air wouldn't let me doze. Then out of nowhere a spirit starts crashing through the woods on the ridge behind me. I sit still by my pine tree and scroll through snapchat on my phone and take a selfie. Iowabow looks at me and I give him a look that says, "Yo turkey hunting is the worst thing ever." Finally after hours of sitting quiet he gets up and decides it's time to give up on that evening. He then looks and me and expresses how he had gotten cold. Me being upset about his inability to call a turkey in I grin and tell him that I wasn't cold at all and that he's a weenie for getting cold. I proceed to tell him lies that will make him feel insecure about himself on the way back. Iowabow was all turned around so I led us back to camp since all he knows how to do is wander around in the woods. He even pulled out this silly little compass that I'm pretty sure was pointing SSW. Either way it don't matter since a compass is useless anyway. When we get back JW has laid out a delicious spread and I gorge myself. I didn't even use utensils. I just ate like an animal and got the food in my mouth as fast as possible before anyone else could steal my food. I can't even really tell you if JW is a good cook or not since the food barely touched my tongue. The texture was good anyway. I go down to my van to sleep off the copious amounts sustenance I've consumed. I threaten Iowabow that if he dare wake me in the morning for one of his silly turkey hunts then I'd strangle him and ship his body back to Iowa where they'd use him as fertilized in a corn field. Needless to say nobody woke me up. When I did wake up everybody was gone. The cars I was parked next to had all disappeared. Well good, I thought. I'm gonna get out of these impoverished hills. Then they all show back up. I don't even know what they were all doing but i don't want to know either. So I just kept sleeping and they packed everything up and when they were done I offered to help them. Jajaja! tents are dumb, van camping is where it's at! So yeah that's pretty much what happened. Don't listen to anyone that says any different.
chamookman:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:!
iowabow:
Trying to hunt with shaggy the camera man was a real challenge and at one point I had decided to just give up and let my spirit go to the great turkey hunting grounds in the sky. What proceed this frustrating event could only be compared to parenting a distance cousin with ADD. On the way out for the first hunt I was ask so many questions I lied about where we were going to hunt and drop him I the woods and proceeded down the road but started feeling sorry for Soy and returned and picked them up. Poor Soy volunteered to hold his hand as I reassured Palm Tree Tim that he would not be eaten and in fact was not going to die as we moved through the woods in the dead of night. After sneaking to an overlook and getting set for an ambush Soy and I looked around but couldn't find the beach boy anywhere. Rather than continue the hunt we started searching only to find a frozen floridian balled up in a fetal position and hidden in a rock crack. Blue, freezing, and clearly suffering the effects of hypothermia we brought him to consciousness just in time. Realizing the dyer state of his condition we abandoned a perfect location to save his life. We realized his van was the only sanctuary where survival in these parts would be possible for a cape man.
PEARL DRUMS:
--- Quote from: JW_Halverson on May 19, 2015, 11:20:18 pm ---In bed no later than 1:00 a.m. and up by 3:30 a.m. Any guess why I fell asleep standing up between Mikey and Soy?
--- End quote ---
Heck J-Dub that sounds like my typical around home turkey hunt. Too late to bed and too early to rise. Difference being I can nap back at home, these ya-hoo's wont give you that time Im betting!
JW_Halverson:
--- Quote from: PEARL DRUMS on May 20, 2015, 01:31:05 pm ---
--- Quote from: JW_Halverson on May 19, 2015, 11:20:18 pm ---In bed no later than 1:00 a.m. and up by 3:30 a.m. Any guess why I fell asleep standing up between Mikey and Soy?
--- End quote ---
Heck J-Dub that sounds like my typical around home turkey hunt. Too late to bed and too early to rise. Difference being I can nap back at home, these ya-hoo's wont give you that time Im betting!
--- End quote ---
Oh, there was plenty of napping...with a capital K! Freaking chain gang busting rocks and ooga-boogeying all afternoon! Every once in a while they would pick up some random scrap of disreputable gravel off the ground and howl like werepoodles about some "amazing point" ....Ooooh, it's a Kladatchinan whangslunkle, look at how bifurclumpled the hurglefunkt is! The others would get this glazed look like an orangutan in a string theory seminar, nodding their heads and scratching their groins. Then they would go back to their individual pieces of sandstone, feldspar, or half baked clay and beat away at it out of frustration, mumbling and muttering away to themselves as they bled from every finger.
As for "Primitive Tim", what can I say about the Cape Man? Didja know his area code for his phone is 321? As in the final countdown for a rocket flight to space? Yeah, he comes from Cape Canaveral! Home of some of the highest technology in he country! Primitive, yeah right. He slept in his "VAN", which we figured out was just a reject solid fuel booster rocket housing on wheels. Yeah, that's primitive, Cape Man!
As for him eating without utensils, thinking we would believe this was part of his "primitive charm", his grandmother called ahead of time and told us not to trust him with anything sharp or pointy. Sure enough, he has these little scars all over his face in straight lines of four each. No forks for him!
As for the snoring, he was wrong! There was no snoring in camp. That was farting. I swear those men breathe in thru their noses and out thru their backsides! Especially the King of Korn, iowabow.
That photo of Primitive Tim being slung by a pole and carried off is no exaggeration. It happened. Just not like he said. That "pot of hot water"? Well that was a bathtub, something apparently he does hold in true primitive regard! I AM a kickbutt cook in camp, but there are some ingredients I refuse to handle!!!!
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