Primitive Archer
Main Discussion Area => Around the Campfire => Topic started by: aero86 on March 16, 2010, 04:39:52 pm
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yeah, i know it sucks, but im stuck. heres the cliff notes.
been with a really great girl for almost 2 years now. pretty much my perfect girl. tall redhead. great with my kids. ive been divorced for 4 years in october. i have custody of my children. i havent much thought about marriage, but i think its fair for her for us to discuss the future. 2 things, and i want you guys to tell me if im crazy.
id like for her to quit smoking before i think of getting engaged.
she wants kids, i have 2. would you guys think it would be crazy of me to let her go if i dont want anymore? it wouldnt be fair for her not to have her own, just because im done.
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What if she demanded for you to stop making bows or something else? Relationships based on one person dictating what the other one can and cannot do don't usually work. If the smoking bothers you, find a non-smoker, don't go trying to make someone else into someone they're not just because you want them to be different than they are. That's not a relationship, that's a conditional dictatorship. And all it'll do is breed resentment.
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im not demanding she change. im just saying if asking someone to quit smoking before id be engaged would be too much to ask. i know its hard to do, i did it myself and it would be for her health
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If you ain't happy with her the way she is move on. I say this from 25 years of hard won experience. Sorry just telling it like it is.
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Tell her how you feel and ask her to quit because you want her to be healthier. Don't add strings or rings to the equation. If she wants to quit because she loves you that is great, otherwise it is extortion.
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i am happy with her, its just the one thing i think she could do for herself..
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She probably has a few things she could improve about you, too-but doesn't demand that you do them. I have been with a woman who smokes for sixteen years. Her mom is eighty-something and still smokes. :) And yes, it is too much to ask if it's a condition for a relationship. Sounds like someone has control issues. :)
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This started out not for her health but because you would like her to. If she says ,no, then will you still live with her and withold the prize of engagement? I smoked 3 packs a day when my wife and I met. She never asked me to quit. I new she didn't like it but there was never any "deals". I finally quit 25 years ago and the only thing she said was the clothes smell a lot nicer. We've been married for 33 years.
Sorry, If I was your girlfriend I would be out the door. She worked out alright for two years it seems. To me it sounds like to me you don't want the commitment.
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not that i dont want the commitment. she told me she would quit before she moved in with me. shes told me 3 or four times she would quit. i dont have control issues, i just dont like it when someone tells me something and doesnt do it.
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My wife quit smoking for me. Then she gained a bunch of weight and became miserable. Then she took up smoking again, and kept the weight anyways. And she's still miserable. That's how it played out for us!
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but i never said id give her an ultimatum, and i wont, cause its not the way i work. its just a promise she has made me, that she hasnt kept on two separate occasions
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ok lets skip the whole quiting smoking thing,cause thats something she will onku succeed at WHEN SHE IS READY TO QUIT.
like the others said,she worked out for the last two years.so that might be something you will just have to learn to deal with.
now on the subject of "having more children"
in my opinion,like i said my opinion.
if she would like children of her own,and you said you were done having children of your own.
i think it would be selfish on your part to not let her have kids of her own.
but if you dont want anymore,it would be selfish of her to make you have them with her.
im not gonna say that you two need to split up.
i think you just need to sit down and do some real soul searching and figure out just exactly what you want from life at this point on.
if you cant see your life as happy without her,well then you may need to make some concessions and find that happy mid ground where the two of
you can be happy together.
who knows maybe you two will come to an agreement where you two end up happily married,with maybe just one more child (from the two of you)
and a non smoking wife.
lets face in this day and age every woman thats pregnant knows that smoking is very very very bad for the unborn baby ;)
see thats the thing about a well worked out relaitionship
you give a little to get a little in return.
jm2cw
good luck
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thats really my biggest concern, because she doesnt smoke anywhere near my boys. i just feel that ive had my fair share. idk if i can keep up with another baby and 2 kids already! i dont know how to approach her on this topic.. i care a lot for her, and would like to be with her, i just dont want to keep anything from her that she wants.
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It sounds to me like you have more issues than babies and smoking. You say you don't know if you can keep up with another baby and two kids, too? I remember my wife getting up with the babies at 3 in the morning more times than me. And when it comes to having kids, I'll give you a fact, unless you want to be a Monk, you have no control over that. If she wants a baby, she will have a baby.
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i understand that, but with my first 2 kids, i was the one that worked, and got up with the kids. my kids are 4 and 6, ive had custody of them for 3 years. i think ive had my fair share of babies. i dont have any other issues besides the babies and smoking. i think i know what my limits are physically and monetarily. i know that babies happen, my first two were that way.
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My last word of advice; if you think 4 and 6 is fun, just wait till 14 and 16. As far as monetarily, Mine are now 26 and 28, and I'm still paying. When you have children, they are your responsibility till the end. Also, JMO, If you had an issue with her promising to quit smoking after she moved in with you, and she didn't. Then you should have tossed her to the curb without waiting two years. You must have liked something she had been doing for two years, enough to ignore the cigarettes.
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That's why I feel I'm done having kids. She's good with my kids and she's a great girl. I'm not thinking about leaving because of the smoking, I was wondering how I should approach the subjects with her
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Be up front an honest and see where it goes. After I got divorced I met some great ladies but didn't want any more kids so I distanced myself from the ones who had a desire for children. I wasn't the right guy for them. I distanced myself from smokers as well because I knew I couldn't live with a smoker.
I ended up with a gal that didn't smoke, didn't want any more kids(had three already grown), liked to hunt, shoot selfbows, fish, cook, keep an immaculate house and loved romance. We celebrated our 25th anniversary a couple weeks ago.
Bottom line, I knew what I wanted in a woman and didn't try to kid myself into thinking I could tolerate someone who didn't meet my expectations.
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Well, she can't smoke while she's pregnant. Seems one problem finds its own solution, what? ;D
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After 63 winters I have found that women drive men crazy and men drive women crazy. Good knowing everybody's crazy, you can excuse a lot of behavior.
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After 63 winters I have found that women drive men crazy and men drive women crazy. Good knowing everybody's crazy, you can excuse a lot of behavior.
sounds like my dad's philosophy. ;D ::)
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three things i don't give advice on or debate; religion, polotics, and love. if someone tries to give this type of advice to someone it's like teaching a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it irritates the pig. but, since you asked, i'll list some things that need to be thought through:
1. she will have to stop smoking to have children. there are many new "quit smoking drugs" now on the market. do some research with her and work something out. you should be at a point in your relationship where you two can sit down and discuss things openly. if not, then getting married is the last thing you should do.
2. you have to settle within yourself the question of having a child with her. i can understand not wanting any more. i have two and that's all for me. those first 6-7 years are rough. i can deal with teenagers, that's what i do for a living.
3. never, ever try to change someone. you will not be happy with the results! change always comes from the inside.
4. this is perhaps the most important, can you live with seeing her with someone else?? if the answer to this is no, then everything you are concerned about are moot points.
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First off, I will not be critical of you for wanting her to quit smoking, or for not wanting more kids, or anything else you decide.
We all draw our own lines in the sand. Some lines are more complicated than others, some lines are more liberal and some lines are more conservative, but in the end it comes down to what you can live with......and can YOU live with the consequences of YOUR choices?
Unlike Grunt, I've only got 39 winters under my belt, but I was married at 22 - divorced by 24, and remarried in my 30's. I'm now happily married to the gal of my dreams, the mother of my 3 wonderful kids, and a woman who is fiercely independant.
It took me a long time to realize that in life, making decisions is all about deciding what is the most acceptable consequence for our actions. A simple example. Should I drive on the country roads to get home and enjoy the scenery? The country road is much slower and is dusty and bumpy and there is that one spot that often floods over. OR, should I take the freeway home. It's much faster, smoother and I get to see my kids sooner. The freeway however is more dangerous and is often stressful. ------- the choice you take is based on your willingness to accept the consequences weighed against the benefits.
So, if you don't want anymore kids - and that is your final answer -- then being honest with your girl is the honorable thing to do, but be ready to accept the consequences of her potentially leaving your relationship.
If her stopping smoking because "she said she was going to, and hasn't yet" is more important to you than the value of her being in your life, fair enough, but be ready to accept the consequences of her potentially leaving your relationship. Either way, your decisions are going to impact your future and, from a personal standpoint, I really hate to look back on my actions and wish that I had been more thoughtful and self-aware.
In either case, your relationship with yourself, and with your gal is either going to be strengthened from the debate, or it is going to bend and break. Hiding the truth from yourself, and your loved ones, sure doesn't seem to be a healthy approach to me, but I realize that it is more complicated than that as you are not only selecting a wife, but also a mother for your children, but for that reason alone (mother) I think you owe it to yourself and your family to be honest with yourself (first), then honest with your gal second (second).
As one of the other guys alluded to, it does seem to me that your focus on the smoking (or so I have inferred from your comments) is really hiding some other issue. I don't know you at all, I don't know how fate has touched your life, but the fact that you are reaching out for advice to friends (and strangers) on a website seems to indicate to me that you need to take a long hard soul-searching look at yourself.
Find your line, define it completely and then draw it in the sand, but remember that lines in the sand can be erased and easily moved....I encourage you to give yourself the opportunity to see the truth --- then take your stand for better or worse. And in the end, I think that if a person can be honest to themselves and have knowingly made an educated decision based on the consequences, then I think you could hold your head high and be proud that you made an informed and honest decision -- which does not mean you can avoid the consequence, but knowing you acted with honor is important. Which, IMHO, seems to happen less and less in this world.
My 2 cents, offered with respect,
J
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Ok so I am going to offer my two cents and you can take them with you or you can leave them.
On the smoking issue, she is going to need to do that on her own, when she is really ready to do it. don't push the subject and don't make her feel bad for not going through on it. She will end up resenting you if you do. I keep talking about wanting to lose weight, but its not going to happen until I come to a point that I want to do it and really work at it.
On the kids issue, I don't think it is fair of you to project what happened in your last marriage on her. You said you were the one taking care of your two kids and doing all of the work. You cant be afraid to have more kids because you think this may happen again, you are not giving her a fair shot, she isn't your ex-wife and you are with this lady for a reason.
that being said, conversations like this are hard, but necessary. See if there are things that she wants to see you work on, then as a couple work on issues together. But DO NOT put any strings attached to her quitting smoking...Its like saying you would be perfect if only......which will only hurt her.
Talk with her, outcome may be great or not so great...but its better than wondering what if.
Sarah
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Something I heard once that I like to keep in mind.
" When we fall in love we fall in love with the way we feel about ourself when we are with that other person"
Steve
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good luck man. dating is not fun... expect for a few certain aspects of it. ;) i don't really do it anymore and im still young. i just like to have fun for now, no serious crap.
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i can agree with a lot that is said. i dont agree with some, but thank you for your honest gals and guys
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You asked. :)
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Yep! :)Kinda like calling your favorite Radio show and discussing it with the DJ. ;)
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Yep! :)Kinda like calling your favorite Radio show and discussing it with the DJ. ;)
on now a word from our sponsers ;D
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i know i did. i like honesty, and you guys honestly told me.
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Offer your verson of a nicotine stick, keep it readily available........ >:D Solves the smoking problem, and the chance of pregnancy ;D
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Yep! Brian's back. 8)
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86, smoking sucks!!! but life is short!!! it seems like yesterday I was trying to get my $100.00 dirt bike running next thing I know there is an invitation to my 31st high school reunion!!!!!!! what are you sweating it for she's a cool read head!! but I will tell you this you send a good one packin, the first time you see her with someone else that will kill you there are three ways to make a decision, your head, your heart your gut!!! seldom do they all agree good luck!! JEFF W
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good luck man. dating is not fun... expect for a few certain aspects of it. ;) i don't really do it anymore and im still young. i just like to have fun for now, no serious crap.
lol. im a year or two younger than you man, and you got the right idea! ;D